Finding my Why

I’ve just finished reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, and it’s completely changed my thoughts on my life.

In it Frankl talks about finding your why, your reason for living, and it got me thinking;  What reason am I on this planet?

A number of google searches later and I came across Simon Sinek’s talk on TED about finding your why in life, here’s the link; Simon Sinek Ted.Com

Apparently finding your purpose in life, your reason why you’re here is working out what your values, passions, skills and expertise and your natural talents are, and within those things you’ll find your why.

For example to find my values I looked at those times in my life when I’ve just had a warm glow inside me, things have gone right and you want that moment to last forever. For me it was all about being creative, being free of the 9-5, connecting with animals and nature and learning.  My passions were quite easy to find; writing, photography, animals, fashion and makeup (I wanted to be a make up artist at 14).  Finding my talent’s was tougher, does anybody really shout out about their own talents? Or is it just me that always says, ‘oh, that’s just something I do, I don’t think I’m any good at it’? Therefore I think of my talents as being writing, photography, pet whispering (I’ve worked with a few abused animals) and my organisational skills.  The last category is skills and expertise or strengths. There are many know your strengths quiz’s online so I did one of those (as I was stuck). It turns out my strengths are what I was already focusing on.  Creativity, appreciation of beauty, love of learning, hope, gratitude and leadership were my top ones, which fitted in with my values, talents and passions.  Now what?

I sat and thought about it for a while, I drank coffee and watched a bit of tv.  Still nothing bounced out at me to what my why was.  So I did what I normally do when my brain refuses to work the way I want it to, I free wrote.  There’s lots of ways of freewriting, either with or without a prompt, but if I’m struggling with something my way of sorting it out is just sitting down with my notepad and pen and writing for three pages.  I’ve done the morning pages for years and it works, usually by page three I’m writing and thinking ‘really? where did that come from?’ at the same time.

So I freewrote my Why, this is what I came up with;

‘My purpose is to combine my love of animals and nature, to protect them and keep them from harm.  To change other peoples attitudes to how animals are used by humans, to see it as something akin to the holocaust.  To promote veganism through everything I do, and to bring it into all areas of my life.  To continue to write, to expand my knowledge of the world around me, and be at one with the planet.  To love the wildness, the open space and find my true heart there.’

Now, its by no means perfect, and I don’t even mention writing until over half way through, but that’s how it came out in the freewrite.  My next step will be to condense it down into a pitch line, a couple of lines that will keep me on the straight and narrow if I ever deviate from my why.  Then I’m going to print it out on a card to keep with me and read whenever I’m not sure of what I should do, or why I’m doing it.

Has it helped?  I would say so far (it’s only been a week or so since this all happened) it’s clarified things for me.  Even though its not perfect yet my Why has pulled me up short when I’ve thought about doing something and I’m hesitating.  If it’s not in line with my Why, then I’ve not gone ahead, and I don’t think I’ve made any crazy decisions so far off the back of it.

Where my Why will take me in future is a whole different adventure, I’m excited about it for once, not scared.

The picture is of Johnshaven beach at sunset.



I am George Gray

Obviously not, but I found this poem the other day by Edgar Lee Masters, and it really resonated with me.

I have studied many times
The marble which was chiselled for me —
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbour.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one’s life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire —
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

It’s called George Gray.  Edgar wrote a book of free verse poetry (i.e. not rhyming) about a small fictional town called The Spoon River Anthology.  There really is a Spoon River apparently, nearby to where Edgar lived.  In the book is the stories, in poetry form, about the inhabitants of Spoon River, of which one is George Gray.  When I read the poem I just thought that’s my life, the opportunity of adventure and unknown destiny but fear holding me back.

Written in 1915, it reminds me that I’m not the only one that feels like this,  and throughout time and space people have felt the same way.  When it was first published the book caused outrage and Edgar was  ostracised from the community, which to me, means that he managed to chisel away at the artifice of the public face of the town and managed to show the true heart of their feelings.

The world is in a scary place right now, maybe if we all did what Edgar managed to do, show our vulnerabilities and be true to ourselves and others there wouldn’t be so much hate and anger in the world.  If we weren’t all so afraid to say this scares me, I’m frightened, I’m hurt and feel ashamed, then maybe we could all show each other more love.  It’s a thought anyway.

The picture is of Lunan Bay beach in the North East of Scotland


500 days and counting

As of Sunday 19th August 2018, there are 500 days to 1st January 2020.  I know that seems a while away, 2020, but when you break it down into days like Joel did in his blog  then all of a sudden it seems scarily close.  So I’ve been thinking about what I want to achieve in that time.  This is my list so far;

  • Publish all three books of my trilogy. (I’m currently writing number 2)
  • Be living by the sea, somewhere in Scotland.  My preferred place is a beautiful wee fishing village called Johnshaven, a place I’ve loved for many years, but I’ll be happy anywhere with a view and a beach.
  • Get my eating in gear.  I’m vegan, but an healthy one.  Instead of plant based my diet is more skittle based, so that will change.  And with my food intake comes my fitness level.  At the moment it’s shockingly bad, and with my hypermobility its better for me if I keep fit.  I know it, I just need to do it.
  • If the books are received well I will set up an animal sanctuary.  Whilst I would love to sell my house and do it tomorrow, I’m sensible enough to know it takes a lot of time and money (all that cat food!) so until I’m in a better place financially then I’ll have to wait.  But it is part of the big plan.

So that’s my main goals for the next 500 days.  I’m sure they will change throughout the next year and a half, but these goals have been part of my soul for so long that its about time I gave them wings and let them fly.

So here’s to the next 500 days (or 499 days now to be exact.  I am a control freak after all!)


Tree in the grounds of Falkland Palace.

Really? has it been that long?

I think it’s been about a year since I blogged.  There, I said it.  The truth is I didn’t really know what to write, which is a bit poor if I’m calling myself a writer.  I’ve taken a 9 month career break from work to get the novel published, I’m two months in already, and I’ve finished my 5th draft, and emailed it to my sister to edit (she’s better with coma’s and full stop’s than I am).  Then it’s the scary jump of putting it out into the world of agents to see if anyone love’s my characters as much as I do.

In the meantime and because I’m not running on nervous energy like I normally do at work (30 minute walk there and back, running about all day, up and down the stairs, eating for 15 minutes without interruption if I’m lucky and hyped up on coffee) I’m getting a bit doughy looking, so I decided to start a diet.  Or at least cut back on the amount of takeaway’s I’m eating and alcohol that I’m drinking (this is what happens when you live with a teenager.  Instead of giving him good habits, I’m catching all his bad habits!).

Anyway, today is my first day of this new eating plan.  Considering I’ve been vegan for about 8 years you think it would be easy, wouldn’t you… Well, so far today I had cereal and almond milk (healthy), lunch consisted of a baked potato with chives and a side salad (definitely healthy), then I had a big family bag of bacon crisps (yes they were vegan) and a gin and tonic.  And its only gone 2 o’clock!  Just to make up for my misdemeanour I had some chopped raw mushrooms.  I am the only person that eats like this?….

And there is a can of Brewdog’s Dead Pony Club calling me from the fridge.  So going well so far…




Little Buddha

dsc_0096_1Some days you just feel like the world is against you.  It doesn’t matter what you say or do, it’s going to go belly up no matter what.  Then other days it feels like the planets are aligned and there is a big universal hand pushing you in a certain direction. I’ve been feeling this way lately, so I’ve started asking the Universe for signs, and its quite strange how its happening.

The other day I went out for lunch with my sister to the college restaurant my nephew is at (he’s training to be a chef).  The car park was full to bursting with cars parked on verges and pavements.  ‘Lets ask the universe for a really good parking space’ I said whilst Myra sniggered.  ‘Universe, we would like a parking space right outside the restaurant’ and out of the blue the most perfect parking space was right where we wanted it!  Even the cynic Myra was was impressed.

So maybe there is something in this Universal Consciousness. At least that’s what I would like to believe.  But isn’t that human nature?  We all want to believe that we have someone beside us, walking alongside us as we navigate our way through this jungle that we call life.

What’s this got to do with my cutting costs and budgeting?   Well bizarrely enough since I’ve started to focus on my finances, or lack of them I keep seeing emails and blogs about minimalism and cutting budgets.   Now it may be just a coincidence, but isn’t more fun to believe that there’s an invisible hand shoving me in the right direction and saying ‘For God’s sake girl do the bloody work!’.  I’d like to think so…

The picture of Mishka showing off his Buddha belly.

Food glorious food


I’m  into about week 8 of this challenge and I’ve had yet another slip up.  It seems if I go to the local CO-OP to buy anything I end up getting a huge bag of crisps which I then trough in one sitting.  Not good for the weight loss and even worse for the pocket.  I think its more to do with how I’m feeling, work is still pretty poor and not about to get any better, I’ve been struggling with a really painful back, the weather has been rubbish and I’ve got my first submission for uni looming this week.  I have been spending more time cooking, but I still feel that I’m spending more money to get the ingredients to make the food than just buying a big bag of oven chips!  There has just been a news report that food prices are due to rise next year so I have to have myself in a good position by then.  If living is untenable on the money I’m making now its going to be beans on toast for life (cats included) if it gets any worse.  So I’m back on the cookery websites to see what tweaks I can make to stay healthy and keep the pennies in my purse.

On a happier note I’ve not bought anything since my sweater a couple of weeks ago.  I’m getting into the mindset of making it a competition to spend as little as possible, I’m starting to get pissed off when I need to spend any money whatsoever.  Game on!

The picture is of Birdie lying on my bed.




Falling and Failing


So this week hasn’t been so good.  Actually its been awful.  Work continues to get worse and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in the middle of a perfect storm (although if it was the middle it might be quieter than my life feels at the moment).  In essence my discount card arrived back from the card hospital so I bought the case of champagne, although I am sharing it with my sister so I’m only really buying 3 bottles of it.  And the ASOS haul?  the dress is going back, its not ‘wow, rocking it girl’ enough to keep it but the sweater is too cute (it has cat embroidered elbow patches) so I’m keeping it.  It cost £20 so quite cheap, but I’ll see how long it lasts before it falls to bits.

As this was week 5 for my spending tracker I added up my spending.  Scary.  My total spend over the time was £491.58.  considering I only had £50 left to do me for the month, it isn’t good.  There were a few random purchases on my credit card (champagne, sweater, hairdryer) but my main spend was on food for me and the mogs.  A total of £193.06 for the month.  Whilst it only works out at an average of £38.61 per week, and the majority of my spend every week is on the cats, I’d still like to make it a lot cheaper.  Of course, I could look at it another way and say I need to earn more money and then I wouldn’t have to scrimp and save on my food bill, but where would be the fun in that!  I’ve started with a bit of a list of recipes to make, but as we all know it sometimes costs a fortune to make something from scratch rather than going to the shop and buying it.  So here’s my plan.  Basics are cheaper than trendy food (porridge vs quinoa) therefore I need to base my shopping on the basics.  Shop with the seasons; its autumn now so stop buying things like pineapple and tomatoes and salad leaves.  Its apples, squash and onions and root veg for me.  And buy less treats, for both me and the cats.  I’ve been quite good at not buying snacks and treats for myself, so Rubie, its time to wire your jaws and not expect a packet of ham every time you come in at night (shared between them, thank you!!)  And cook more.  Its a pain coming home from work after a bad day and having to think about what to cook but I need to change my mindset to thinking I enjoy it, not struggle with it and then I might enjoy it a bit more.  Better get writing that shopping list then!

The photo is of Mishka, showing off his increasing big belly!